


Confessions

by AHumanFemale, Tiberias



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Confessions, Denial, Falling In Love, Fluff, Internal Conflict, Love Confessions, M/M, Religious Guilt, Secrets, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-12-19 01:29:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11887056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AHumanFemale/pseuds/AHumanFemale, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiberias/pseuds/Tiberias
Summary: Chapter 1 - But what if Rafael receives on the very first day of each month, a box of chocolates with a tiny confession wrote inside on a piece of paper?Chapter 2 - But what if Sonny receives on the very first day of each month, an email sent from an anonymous email account, containing a tiny confession from someone who loves him?This is how it goes … and how they feel about it.





	1. Confessions (Rafael Barba)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a collaboration with my beloved Ahumanfemale.  
> She's amazing and my muse! :)

 

 

> _But what if Rafael receives on the very first day of each month, a box of chocolates with a tiny confession wrote inside on a piece of paper?_
> 
> _This is how it goes …_

\- - - - - - - 

**1st January -** _I’m falling head over heals for you and I feel stupid because I don’t think you feel the same. Look, I’m a bag of mixed emotions, happy, sad, horny, frustrated, broken hearted, _delighted,_  but I’m in love with you, Rafael._

**1st February**  -  _I haven’t had sex in so long … people say that I’m handsome but I can’t let myself go. I’m struggling because I’m wanting you terribly but also wishing I never met you!_

**1st March** _\- I feel guilty for having these fantasies … of wanting you, a man._

**1st April**  - _I keep proposing myself for undercover missions in order to punish myself. Being undercover is uncomfortable and often even painful for me. I continue to do it in order punish myself because I am a sinner._

**1st May**  - _I might have a bit of a praise kink. I get sexual pleasure by hearing you praise me, even though it rarely happens._

**1st June**  -  _No one knows I’m sad. I’m always there for my friends, colleagues and family. I can’t tell any of them. I don’t ask for help. I just keep smiling and smiling hoping it will go away._

**1st July**  -  _Is it bad to masturbate thinking about you, every single night before falling asleep?  Since you came into my life, I need to masturbate in order to fall asleep with your name on my lips. I feel sexually frustrated._

**1st August**  -  _If you’re looking for that navy and white scarf, you didn’t lost it somewhere, between the court and your office. I stole it in order to memorize your scent._

**1st September**  -  _So, I just bought my very first bottles of Scotch, only because I know that you drink it, and tonight I so need to taste you on my lips._

**1st October**  -  _As I’m about to cum, I want you to whisper in my ear the word objection, over and over._

**1st November**  -  _I want you Rafael and I want to taste you. I want to make you come and I want to hear you moan my name when you do so, knowing that it was me who caused you to come so hard._

**1st December**  - _This is my last confession: I love staying at home, sitting around doing nothing on my days off … only wearing thick socks, a pair of boxer shorts and my Fordham crew-neck sweatshirt. Today I’m off. Come over, I’ll make you happy._

_\- - - - - - -_

 

## Confessions : A Companion Piece (½)

By [@ahumanfemale](https://ahumanfemale.tumblr.com)

Inspired by the work of [@summermint](https://tmblr.co/mglrH_AUb567YScgm1LonLA) [(X)](http://summermint.tumblr.com/post/163522145182/but-what-if-rafael-receives-on-the-very-first-day)

_But what if Rafael receives on the very first day of each month, a box of chocolates with a tiny confession wrote inside on a piece of paper?_

_This is how it goes … and how Rafael feels about it._

 

* * *

 

**1st January -** He really should be embarrassed by the fact that he doesn’t suspect any foul play.  The box of chocolates appears like a godsend after a long day in court and he can taste the sweet decadence on his tongue before he even opens the box.  The paper falls out after his second bite and it doesn’t occur to him until that moment that someone may have wanted him to poison himself by being an idiot and eating strange food without a second thought.  In a mild panic he picks the paper up and reads the words scrawled in neat, sloping script that seemed vaguely familiar.  Strangely, his heart calms and the candy no longer seems like a bitter weight on his tongue.

_… I’m in love with you, Rafael._

The sentiment struck a sweet chord somewhere in chest and while he hadn’t the faintest idea who was sending him love notes in the middle of the week - to his office, at that - he had to admire the courage.  He himself would never have the heart to brave his own confessions… or maybe anything was possible under the cover of anonymity.  

He opens a new email on his phone, chocolate still sweet on his tongue.

**1st February**  - The second box arrives on Wednesday - the middle of an otherwise unremarkable week.  Rafael is just coming back from lunch when Carmen hands him the small package, smiling knowingly.  He takes it without a word and tries to slow his steps as they want to speed him to his desk.  His curiosity is piqued, knowing now that there was a message inside.  He wasn’t disappointed.  This time, instead of heartsick confessions, Rafael was gifted with something raw.  Something honest.  Something Rafael recognized in himself, because he knew how deep that desire could go.  And how loving and longing and loathing could swirl and mix into one.  How you could wish your life to go back to the  _before_.  Before blue eyes and fair hair painted with silver and wildly expressive features.  

It really was easier before.

_**1st March**  - _Rafael’s secret admirer is a man, he realizes with a sharp pang that cuts deeper than the bravado he’d fashioned for himself as an adult.  It cuts down to the mouthy preteen who stared too long at a male friend, who bore the disapproving stares from the adults meant to love and accept him.  It’s been several decades since then, several decades since he dared poke at those wounds for fear they’d never actually closed up.  Still, there he was.  Walking right up to that pain and daring it to conjure itself again.  Surprisingly, the ache he felt wasn’t for himself.  He thought of the man writing him love notes and found himself wishing for acceptance.  For the man whose pain was still fresh, those wounds still raw.  

_Give it time_ , he thought.   _You’ll get there._

**1st April**  - _Sonny._ Dear God, his Sonny.  He knew now with the utmost certainty that it was his detective’s gift on his desk, his detective’s writing on the slip of paper tucked between the sweets.  The idea of Sonny subjecting himself to punishment makes his stomach turn because his Sonny was sweet and kind and  _good_  and in no way deserving of the pain he was inflicting on himself in the name of his religion.  Any God who would damn Sonny for love was undeserving of the man’s unerring faith.  There was nothing sinful in Sonny, not a hint of darkness.  He was light incarnate, the reason Rafael dared to brave the morning sun when opening his eyes seemed too grave a hardship.  

Rafael wants to find him.  Wants to beg Liv for his whereabouts, wants to hunt him down.  Wants to kiss him until the only invocation on his lips will be one begging for more, for another taste.  

He doesn’t.

He opens his email again.

**1st May**  -Sonny’s scribbles go straight to his prick, situated stiff behind his zipper.  Rollins is yammering at him about something, Liv arguing alongside her, and all he can hear is the white noise of his own blood in his ears.  He agrees blindly, waving them off and hoping they’re willing to take the hint while he imagines Sonny’s flushed face.  Praise?  He would write Sonny a hundred glowing letters of recommendation if it meant watching his eyes go hazy with want and his knees go weak.  It’s all Rafael can think about the rest of the day, even late into the night when he locks his office door and palms the torrid weight of his cock.

**1st June**  - With his next gift Rafael realizes that Sonny is working through his challenges.  Every day he wants to run to Sonny, wants to keep him late, he remembers the subtle hurt in that message and restrains himself.  Sonny is getting there.  One day, when Sonny ceases to loathe himself, the real chase will start.  It’s been ages since Rafael was pursued to this degree and he knew that allowing Sonny to catch him would be more than worth the wait.  So he does.  He waits.  Sonny can do this.  The problem, of course, would be whether or not Rafael could stand the suspense.

**1st July**  - No, Sonny.  No, it’s not bad.  It’s not bad because Rafael has started that himself, masturbating with a hot and heavy hand that feels different from the one he’s imagining so vividly.  He comes with deep, heaving breaths.  With plaintive moans that sound pathetically like Sonny’s name as thick white semen spills over his fist and his legs shake and strain with pleasure.  It’s how he falls asleep now… with his own fluids spattered across his stomach and Sonny’s name on his lips.  

One night it isn’t enough.

He wishes it had been.

**1st August**  - Rafael finds it hilarious that Sonny thinks he stole the scarf.  That Rafael hadn’t left it unattended with Sonny nearby, just to see what he would do.  He was thrilled to find it gone when he came back to the room, vacated now by the lanky detective who had seemed so eager to occupy it with him a few moments earlier.  He images Sonny bringing the scarf to his plush mouth, to the graceful line of his nose, and a shiver works its way down his spine because he wants to feel it for himself.  

Rafael wouldn’t miss the scarf.

**1st September**  - Rafael buys a box of cannoli because he so needs to taste Sonny on his lips.

**1st October**  - He desperately wants to see Sonny come.  Rafael can only imagine the sight, and Christ does he imagine.  He imagines on his desk and his couch and up against the door of his apartment.  On his dining room table.  On the floor, fucking him into Rafael’s lush carpet until Sonny’s fair skin is rubbed raw.  Rafael will tell him whatever he wants to hear in that moment.  Objections, praise.  The fact that he loves Sonny so goddamn much he aches with it.   

**1st November**  -  _.Sonny is ready._ The knowledge of it bowls him over with lust, with love, because Sonny has stopped punishing himself.  He’s embraced the part of him who desires Rafael so strongly and now he knows what’s there. That they’re real.  Rafael reads this message over and over.  He keeps it in his pocket, flashes hot whenever his eyes skim over the words he’s long since memorized.  The briefest thought of Sonny’s mouth around him makes his vision swim and his legs shaky.  Sonny would have to wait to taste him, however.  Their first time wouldn’t be wasted with Rafael’s pleasure center stage - their first time Rafael will bite the confessions from his lover’s lips, will caress them from his tongue and will compel them from the head of his cock while he comes violently over the length of his torso.  

Rafael will live these confessions a million times over.

**1st December**  -Rafael doesn’t run… but he does hurry.  He does leave work early, he does offer an outrageous tip to his Uber driver if he breaks the speed limit as often as possible.  He does flip the small black box in his pocket over and over until it’s warm in his fingers, until his brain numbs to the sensation.  Until it lays forgotten in his thick black coat as Sonny pushes it from his shoulders, lips attached to the jumping vein in his throat.  Rafael does what he has always planned to do with Sonny, for over a year.  

He loves him.


	2. Confession (Sonny Carisi)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1 - But what if Rafael receives on the very first day of each month, a box of chocolates with a tiny confession wrote inside on a piece of paper?
> 
> Chapter 2 - But what if Sonny receives on the very first day of each month, an email sent from an anonymous email account, containing a tiny confession from someone who loves him?
> 
> This is how it goes … and how they feel about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a collaboration with my beloved Ahumanfemale.  
> She's amazing and my muse! :)

 

 

> _But what if Sonny receives on the very first day of each month, an email sent from an anonymous email account, containing a tiny confession from someone who loves him?_
> 
> _This is how it goes …_

\- - - - - - - - - - 

**1st January**  -  _The truth is that I’m too old and a cynical asshole, for a young man like you. But I can’t stop wishing to find you waiting for me, when I get back home._

**1st February**  -  _Everyone thinks I’m living this big fat fabulous life, made of important and powerful friends, parties, yacht and exclusive vacations … but the truth is that I’m a very lonely man. When the party ends, I walk back home alone and have a finger of Scotch._

**1st March**  -  _I keep to push you away in case you are like the others. I know you suffer but I need to protect myself, in case you are trying to please me because you want to just use me for your career advancement. But please, tell me you don’t have ulterior motives, tell me you are not like the others. Are you laughing now, because you discovered that I have trust issues?_

**1st April**  - _I never was much of a praying man, but right now I’m praying to the good Lord to just bring you back safe and sound to me. I hate when you go on undercover missions._

**1st May**  -  _Don’t bother in looking for your ugly light blue wool scarf, I took it because I need to smell you on me before falling asleep._

**1st June**  -  _Just had sex with someone I just met 3 hours ago in a bar. He kinda resembled you. To be honest I just wanted to see if scratching this itch would take you away from my head. Instead as soon as he left I threw up. It was so wrong. I was so fucking wrong Sonny. Shit!_

**1st July**  -  _One week ago I saw you eating an ice cream during your lunch break. Since then, I keep jerking off over the image of you swirling your pink tongue over and around the fat crown of my cock._

**1st August** -  _I like to see you eat. I like the fact that you have such wide hips. What about me jerking off on your belly and rubbing my cum into your skin? In exchange I’ll let you cum on me where ever your heart desires._

**1st September** -  _Yesterday I heard you talking in that stupid Staten Island accent, about wanting to see Italy at least once in your lifetime. Last night I’ve bought two tickets for 2 weeks to spent on the road, driving to Milan, Venice, Rome and Florence. I want to pamper you and hear you talk in Italian … but don’t you dare to call me your sugar daddy!_

**1st October** -  _Beware! I have a hickey kink. I want to put my mark on you. Precisely: on the side of your pale neck._

**1st November** -  _ _Do you realize that you “hum” while eating? Why did I walked into the precinct while you were having a cannoli at your desk??? Thank you! Now I can’t stop thinking of you humming around my cock!__

**1st December**  - _This is my last confession: One year before dying my abuelita gave me a ring. It’s a beautiful vintage men’s ruby ring. It belonged to my abuelito. She made me promise to give it to my future husband. She was a smart woman, ahead of her time. She already knew, even without me telling her anything of my sexual preferences. I think it’s your size, want to come over and try it?_

 

_\- - - - - - - - - -_

 

## Confessions : A Companion Piece (2/2)

By [@ahumanfemale](https://ahumanfemale.tumblr.com/)

Inspired by the work of [@summermint](https://tmblr.co/mglrH_AUb567YScgm1LonLA) [(X)](http://summermint.tumblr.com/post/163522145182/but-what-if-rafael-receives-on-the-very-first-day)

_But what if Sonny receives on the very first day of each month, an email sent from an anonymous email account, containing a tiny confession from someone who loves him?_

_This is how it goes … and how Sonny feels about it._

 

* * *

**1st January**  - Sonny sits behind his desk, anxious energy twisting and writhing low in his gut.  He squirms in his seat, mind reeling.  Work had piled up in the time he’d spent agonizing over his life choices and he does his best to at leasat make a dent.  Sometimes he forgets what he’s done.  He does paperwork and argues with Rollins for fun and the small gift box with the purple wrapping fades to the background.  For a minute.  Until he catches a glimpse of the receipt on his desk and the fear starts up again.

What if Barba knows?

What if he takes one look at his note and laughs?

Oh, God.  What if he calls Benson?

Sonny groans.

He’s a few seconds away from braining himself on his desk for his own stupidity - and to keep himself from ever having to face the consequences - when his computer chimes.  A happy, innocent sound that completely belies the nature of his existence at that moment.  An email.  He notices the unnamed sender and almost deletes it, imagining already a pitch for cheap designer sunglasses or Viagra, but the subject line stops him.

_To my Sonny_

He clicks the message open, hungry eyes scanning the few meager lines of text.  His heart jumps in his chest and he blinks.  First in confusion, then in joy, and then in something like abject terror.

Old?

Cynical?

Asshole?

What were the chances?

**1st February**  - The second email comes late in the evening, just before midnight as Sonny is finally crawling into bed.  His phone beeps to signal a message and any other day he would have left it.  But today is February the first and he’d snuck another gift to Barba earlier in the day, leaving the small box of candy on Carmen’s desk while she was at lunch.  Once may have been a fluke… he gets an email on the day of Barba’s first gift, from an anonymous person who wants to Sonny to be waiting at home for them.  But twice?  Sonny settles himself against the pillows and opens it up, surprised at the personal admission.  Would Barba go so far as to mock him with false confessions?  Confessions like this, that reek of vulnerability?  He didn’t know.  Sonny had always worried that he was the last thing Barba would want.  Maybe he was.  Maybe this wasn’t Barba, telling Sonny what he wanted and needed and missed out on.  

Sonny read them again anyway. 

**1st March**  - There’s something wrong with him.  It’s all he can figure, knowing how God felt about the thoughts running through his head.  Sonny was born Catholic, was raised in the church, had even considered joining the clergy himself.  And still here he was, imagining loosening Barba’s tie with the blunt edges of his teeth.  Grabbing the taut elastic of his suspenders and snapping them, gently at first, and then harder to listen to Barba’s shocked gasp as they stung the tender skin of his nipples through his shirt.  Sonny feels guilty, feels sick as he feels himself stiffening insistently behind the loose fabric of his boxers.  He knows he’ll touch himself soon, knows it will be Barba’s direct green gaze behind his eyelids as they shutter closed and as he fucks the tight circle of his fist.

His admirer has trust issues.

Sonny has faith issues.

**1st April**  - _Barba knows._

Sonny is certain of it now, with the message sitting in his inbox.  He’s read it dozens of times now, memorizing those two sentences with all the affection he can muster in a halfway house with ten other men.  He knows it’s a mistake to have something personal with him - any one of the guys in the other bunk beds would be willing to bust him up just for being a cop - but he couldn’t leave it behind.  Not knowing what his next confession was due to arrive on Barba’s desk that day, knowing what he would read when he opened it.  

Barba knows.  

Barba prays for him.

Sonny wants to go home.

**1st May**  - He would think that scarf was ugly - Sonny was particularly fond of it.  His great-aunt Vera bought it for him because it matched his eyes.  Didn’t matter.  Sonny had his eye on a better one anyway - something dark blue and pristine white.  Something draped carelessly over Rafael’s chair while the man takes a phone call.  He makes sure to take off down the hall before Barba returns.

**1st June**  - Barba’s confession in June hurts the most but Sonny understands.  Appreciates it, even.  Sonny knows how hard it is.  To have someone under your skin, in your blood.  Before acceptance comes denial.  The period where you concern yourself with the superficial - is it the ties, the flecks of gray in his otherwise dark hair?  Could those same things on someone else hold the same sway?  Sonny knew now that they didn’t… but Barba deserved to discover that for himself.  Even if it killed Sonny to read, even if every part of him screamed in misery.  First at the thought of someone else taking his Rafael into their body, at the thought of someone other than him seeing the look on his face as he surrendered himself to orgasm.  Then at the idea of Rafael in so much pain, at hating himself so much.  Sonny wanted to comfort him.  Wanted to tell him that it was okay, that he understood.  

That maybe what they were fighting didn’t have to be a battle.  That maybe it could be a beginning.  

**1st July**  - Sonny gets ice cream every day for a week.  Delights in the color staining Rafael’s cheeks and maybe spends too much time cleaning the sticky sweetness from his fingertips.  Rafael practically runs out the door and Sonny wants to chase him and offer strawberry-flavored kisses and a still-cool tongue on which to spend himself.

**1st August** \- Fuck.  Oh, fuck.  There was nothing Sonny would love more than darkening bruises on his hips.  Bruises in the shape of Rafael’s fingers.  Indentations pressed into pale skin as Rafael thrusts up, as he pulls away to finish across the soft flesh of his lower abdomen.  The feeling as Rafael smears his fingers into his on fluids and traces it into Sonny’s skin - wide across his hips, low onto his pubic bone and the thick patch of curls at the base of his prick.  For his own part of the bargain… Sonny didn’t know yet.  It would require thought, consideration.  An outrageous amount of fantasizing.  Absolute fucking certainty because he was going to remember it forever.

**1st September** \- Sonny has three weeks of vacation days saved up.  He sets aside fourteen of them, already wishing for the days they’d spend in a red convertible on smooth road.  The world in front of them.  Reality behind them.  When he could whisper Italian nothings in Rafael’s ear as he drove and fully appreciate the man’s knuckles pulling white on the steering wheel.  His gruff promises of what will happen to Sonny once they stop for the night.

Sonny can’t wait.

**1st October** \- He would wear a chain of bruises.  A sweet, sacred rosary of love bites so long as it was the shape of Rafael’s teeth that marked his skin.

**1st November** \- What Rafael doesn’t know is that he hums a lot.  When he cooks, when he cleans.  When he thinks.  When his body is at the very edge of release and he’s hoping the vibration in his chest will tip him over the precipice.  He’ll find out soon enough, Sonny imagines.  He only has one confession left - his last.  His final expression of courage, of hope.  He already has it written - he’s just waiting for the day to come around.

He hums the entire way home.

**1st December**  -The ring fits.  

They both knew it would.


End file.
